Friday, May 29, 2009

Words I Wish I Would Have Said

Sometimes I think about my past and wish that I could change things or have said things or not said things. I thought maybe it would be cathertic if I said some of those things. Threw them out into the universe. Let go.
These are just some of the things I wish I would have said; in no particular order, with no particular reason.
I am sorry. I never should have hurt you like that.I was young and stupid and trying to be cool. But that's no excuse. I knew it was wrong and mean and I said it anyway. I still think about it, even now, and I still think about the hurt I must have caused you. I hope you don't. I never should have said those things. I love you. If I disapointed you or made you feel less proud of me, I am sorry. You were my world and I loved you so. All I wanted was for you to feel proud of me. To accept me, flaws, weaknesses, strengths and all. I wish you could have seen that in me. I accepted you. I loved you for you. I thought you were the greatest. I looked up to you. I should have told you that. I was proud of you. I should have told you that. Being with you made me want to be a better person. You made me feel as if I was a better person.I miss you. I think of you everyday. Why didn't I tell you that sooner? I wish I would've talked to you more. I wish I would've shared more with you.I wish I hadn't closed myself off. I wish you could have met my kids. I regret that everyday. They will never truly know just how wonderful you were or the impact you had on me. I wish our relationship would've been closer. I think of you everyday and I still hurt knowing I will never see you again. Never undo the damage I have done. I still hurt because I still long for a relationship with you. The way we should have been. I still need you. I still need your guidance. A piece of me is missing, never to be replaced. And I am sorry too. And angry. I miss you. I miss what we had. I miss laughing with you and doing nothing with you and what fun that all was! I miss talking to you. I hope you thonk of me sometimes. I hope the memories are sweet. Mine are. Why did you do that? Did you forget I was a person? I have feelings and you hurt me. you scared me. And that day, the love died. You took advantage of me. You made me distrust people for a long time. You made me feel as if I deserved that. I didn't. I hope you regret that. You did not break me. You could never do that, no matter how you tried. Why couldn't you see that? Why were you so callous? Cruel is not an endearing quality. I know that. And I am sorry if I have been cruel. I can use words as a weapon. As a shield. I know that. I am scared to get hurt. I pushed you away. I was scared to be vunerable; to show you who I am. I built up walls. I'm sorry. I should have let you see all that. I should have told you. I wish I could undo the hurt, the pain, I wish I could fix it. Fix you, fix me. I wish I didn't have so many things that I wish I would've said. I wish I would have just said them. I wish I would have been brave. I am brave now.

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